Yes, we've all heard the studies about how first impressions are formed within mere seconds of seeing someone - their clothing, their posture, the way they take up the space around them. Despite all that, if you can't talk in a way that makes others want to be around you, nothing else matters. Let me show you.
I want you to do something, and I want you to do it right now, as you read this article. Imagine a time when you had a wonderful conversation with someone - it could be with your spouse, a friend, a coworker - anyone at all. What was it about that particular conversation that has stayed with you even today? Was it that the person you were talking to was a good listener? Was it something that the person said, a compliment or maybe an opinion, that you have seemed to remember?
Oftentimes, in a memorable conversation, both parties are equally engaged and indulged. But hold on, if everyone was always 'engaged and indulged' you would not be reading this article. What separates, then, people who are experts in winning friends and becoming likable from those who struggle to do so?
The change is simple. And you can do it too.
1. Be an avid listener
A skill often misunderstood and undermined. Active listening involves listening with genuine intent and interest. Ever encountered talking to someone who you know has lost interest in the conversation? You know what they'll start doing - they'll look behind you and side-to-side, they'll start fidgeting, looking at their phone, perhaps saying a little too many "hmm"s. People know when the person they're talking to is not interested.
Cut out distractions. Promise yourself that you won't take out your phone while talking to someone. Maintain eye contact when the other person is speaking, and when they pause, ask questions. Not just to continue the conversation, but to show that you're interested and that you're genuinely listening. (Hint: people love it when you ask questions about themselves, it has done me wonders.)
Know when NOT to talk. Remember the last time you were talking and the other person interrupted you with either their opinion or their own personal experience? How did that make you feel? It's important to let the other person finish what they're saying until they are satisfied, not you. Letting people open up to you will gain their trust and will allow the person to feel at ease with you.
2. Speak in a calm, clear, and concise manner
Remember the three C's while talking: calm, concise and clear.
Calm. You don't want to sound like you've got a flight to catch - people who speak too fast can come across as underconfident and panicked. Instead, speak at a pace which seems comfortable enough to hear and which allows enough time for you to think carefully before speaking. Maybe start with a compliment; this doesn't just make the other person feel good about themself, it also shows that you have the confidence to say what you want to. Who forgets compliments, right?
Clear. You may have seen people who are overly concerned with getting every minute piece of detail correct when they speak - and while this isn't entirely bad, it can cause unnecessary pauses and breaks in the conversation when you're unable to recall those details. Remember: until required, minute details aren't necessary to keep a conversation engaging. Instead, practice speaking in a fluid manner - and if you have to, you can lower your talking speed to allow more time for thinking.
Concise. We have to acknowledge that impatience is too common to ignore. In this day and era, people simply don't have the time to listen to your personal experiences that you so enthusiastically describe in intricate detail. To keep a conversation engaging, never speak for more than 1 or 2 minutes at a stretch (in fact, 30 seconds is more than enough), after which you can pause and perhaps ask the other person something.
3. Avoiding conflict while conversing
Let's face it - no one wants to talk to someone who always opposes what you're saying, and thinks their opinion weighs far more than yours. We've all been in situations where someone said something that contradicted our opinion, and we may have impulsively said some words only to regret it later that night.
There will always be moments in conversations that can lead to conflict. Here's the trick you need: whenever someone says something that directly contradicts what you said, ask them why they feel that way.
For e.g., you and your coworker are discussing what you two did on the weekend. You tell your colleague that you and your spouse went to watch a movie (that you enjoyed), and as soon as you mention it, your colleague says, "That movie is horrible - I wouldn't ever waste money to go and watch it." Your natural response would be to say, "Oh come on, you just have awful taste in movies." Although this is a very typical example, this can apply to other, more serious conflicts as well.
Rather, you can ask your coworker why they feel that movie isn't good, and he'll go to great lengths to explain his strong dislike. Immediately, you've avoided conflict - maybe you can even find a point or two in his speech that you can agree on. Instead of fighting through a contradiction, try to understand why the other person feels that way and gently present your views before them.
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